After lying on the floor amidst 50 pills hearing sirens ringing out coming in the direction of my home, I had an epiphany; Lord I need you!  Bang! The sound of the door falling on the floor from the fireman crashing in and running up the stairs to rescue this lost soul.  But they had nothing to rescue me with, really.

See I had been silently screaming out for help for months.  “Mom could you come this week and visit me? I’m feeling lower than ever.”  My mom knew about the heartbreak, but thought a little time would heal my wounds.  “I would baby,” she said, but I have a Delta convention coming up this weekend, besides you’ll be ok, you always pull through.  Then, “You really have got to get it together baby.” she said.  But when my words begin to slur, she clicked over on the other line and called the emergency operator to get me help.

See, what no one knew was this time, it was different.  Depression, the demon that he is, had me locked up in the house for weeks with no light and no food that I could get pass my lips. The battle over my mind he was winning.

As for friends, how could I talk to them, when I’m the one that they come to for advice?  They’d just laugh me off, and move on to asking me about what I think about what they should do in their life. And on another note, I couldn’t really talk to them, now that my love life was busted. 

But, no need to go into this love affair now because bubbling under the surface of what I thought was the source of my distress, pain and emptiness was not a guy as much as I had to face me, and the fact I had become a mess. An absolute mess!

“So pretty, what a shame,” the paramedics said, talking amongst themselves as if I was already dead.  And while they prodded me with needles in my arm checking for the poison of the pills I had taken. I could see my life flashing before my face and I’m like, I don’t want to die, I just want to rest and sleep because I can’t think with my thoughts traveling a thousand thoughts per minute all accusing me of being the worse excuse for living.  Shouting that I had not lived up to what I was to be.  Thoughts that screamed that I had made this love for this guy my whole world, and now that he’s gone, there was no where I could even see me. 

Where did I go?  Who was I now?  What the heck happened to all my childhood projections of myself?

I mean, no where did my Barbie doll ever end up on the floor with her hair all over her head, smelling like the funk of 40 thousand years from not taking a shower for days, taking nobody’s pills! 

Uh huh, my Barbie, was a star who saved the world and was now off somewhere in her convertible taking off fast for a day of shopping!  She (who I pretended would one day be me) had a husband who loved her named Ken, a mansion, and a child. Me as Barbie was invincible; I was vibrant and had such high hopes for my future. 

This was not even close to that fairytale I had dreamed.  And while my love life was the catalysis for my initial spiral into this now unshakable depression, the truth is, I had been battling that demon my whole life and any and every circumstance would be the button that would decide how far down or up my emotions would soar.

I was a yo-yo plain and simple.  If there was a happy time, then wee!  My emotions were flying way up into the clouds. If trying times or love argument, Ho hum drum, meaning, I would not open the curtains and did not leave my bed.

There was a hole so deep inside of me somewhere and I filled it with circumstance. I was failing at this rollercoaster called life.  I somehow, someway was still acting like I was alone. I forgot that one day long ago in my real Grandmother’s church dipped in a dirty creek that I had invited someone else into my heart, and right at my lowest moment in the hospital while they were pumping my stomach, I began to remember, that this same person I invited in, I never gave Him reign in my life.  It was more like a mere formality.
Something the mouth utters and the heart fakes.

If your fairytale is in shambles; you are depressed, confused, lonely, hurt, may have been abused and used, I write this for you.

And while right now it seems like it would be a good time for me to give you good advice to say, get your education girl, or stay positive young woman, or don’t hook up with him until you are old enough to understand the covenant of marriage. And not the shacking playing house stuff that will waste your time, and distract you from your true purpose of you as a wife, and him as the priest of your home, and over your children, and not to live in, or live out, a life comprised of a television series of temporary situations that are only going to lead to permanent circumstance of an immediate or eventual destruction. Such as the likes of an HIV, or an unplanned pregnancy, or in my case a life full of powerlessness based on bouts with depression just to name a few.

Now that whole run down was excellent advice, and I do want you to take heed to it all. These are all incredible points that should be adhered to.

But just in case your life or mine expires tomorrow, I want be the one responsible for telling you the whole truth, that I wish somebody had told me, and that is this; the ultimate best advisor that will save your life, and fill your soul, is found in a healer and way maker I know personally called Jesus, the Christ.

The darkness no matter what it is, He fills!  The tears, He wipes!  I know all about Him because when I called him he met me right where I was in my mess.  He cleaned me up, saved my soul and gave me a new life. What’s even better is newness of life in Him, is no fairytale I have to dream about any longer, it is my life!

After inviting Christ to sit on the thrown of my heart, and not my emotions, or a man, or career, we started to have serious affair.  Oh yeah, the stormy kind of love affair where you can’t wait to steal away, and run you a hot bubble bath, light some candles, and crack open your bible to your eternal lover, Jesus Christ. 

Trust me when I say that no talk show host has nothing on a conversation with Jesus, your creator.  But before I give you the scoop on the dreams that have all manifested for me way past my little girl Barbie fantasies, I want to leave you with these important steps especially if you are hurting. 

I mean even Barbie would object to this sort of treatment.  Think about it, when you were playing with your dolls was this the romantic fantasy you had in mind for a woman of class like Barbie? No!

So now back to how God picked up this smelly girl, he calls Cassandra “Trinity” Anderson, yep that’s me.   He first changed my name and taught me that I am royalty just like you, not meant to be called a B or a Hoe.  (Romans 8:16-17).

And this also means, yes keep your clothes on for him because he wants all of you until you are married. Why? Because according to your Father and mine up in heaven who knows all thing and will not withhold any good thing from you; it is only to a husband that he has given his permission and only to a husband that he has prepared for you, worthy enough to give your intimate private parts to.  And while I know that is not politically correct according to your radio stations, TV screens, and top 10’s, it is however spiritually correct, and will help you keep your heart in tact. Read Ephesians 5:8-10, Ephesians5: 22-33, 1 Corinthians 6:14-20, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

You want to line up with an eternal perspective on your life now since this world will pass away anyway. 1 John 2:17

Remember Barbie is a plastic doll but you are real and have got to guard your heart because it a real organ, even a spiritual organ that can break. And when your heart breaks we all tend to do dumb stuff without the Lord as our hope.

He taught me how enjoy my celibacy and how to love him while I waited for true love without tripping in the slightest. (Galatians 5:16-25)  I was just happy because for the first time I had no symptoms of depression.  And while before when I was with the guy I had money, but it’s funny that now I had none, and taking three buses to where I had to go, and yet I never felt so much joy to take a bus to where I needed to go.  Why?  Because I knew the truth, and that is I was not alone! Jesus my Savior was in my heart and rolls with me till this day, everywhere I go.

So this is the part here, as if this contentment wasn’t enough, he gave me a leading part in a movie, when I thought I was all washed up.  He then turned around and sent me back a part of my heart, the guy who left me, one year and 3 months before, who could see clearly I had changed.  He knew that since I could say no to sleeping with him, he got to see a real live God in my life.  See while the Lord sent him back, he was on his way to transformation as well, he got saved, we dated without having intercourse at all, and it was so much better getting to know him than before.  He bought me a ring and now I am this platinum industry producer’s wife.

Our relationship is deeper than way back then, because I know how to pray when I don’t get what I think I may need from him.  The cherry is also that like my Barbie dreams long ago, we live in an estate where I run our music and film company as well as run several youth based programs in featured in Watts, demonstrating why abstinence is the better choose to safe intercourse as like one of my Pastor’s Kirk Franklin (yes the artist) says you can’t put a condom on your heart.

Right now today, I have a leading part as defense attorney Carla Shay, in an upcoming play at Faithful Central Bible Church, in Inglewood, CA, called Commitment VS. Phobia, playing September 27th, written by Reggie Gaskins (Restraining Order). And I’m expecting my own TV shows, films, and our artist to be released shortly, along with my first book that surprisingly, people have been on me to write for years, as my testimony has empowered and inspired so many people across the country about the restoring power of Christ.

I know that like what I had imagined as a child, when I played with my Barbie doll that I actually do change the world with my youth programs today, using all my gifts of producing, directing, and life coaching, mentoring, writing songs, skits, plays, screenplays, and hosting.  And I promise ya’ll I don’t even mean to rhythm as I write this to you it’s just a gift the Lord gave me too.

The program I’m most fond of is a ministry I founded at church, with Trina Johnson, called Headliner’s 4 Christ, where we just had our first annual retreat at my estate featuring special Celebrity Guest such as Hosea Chanchez (The Game), Chrystee Pharris (Passions), Brandon Fobbs ( Pride, The Wire), Sean Blakemore (Woman Thou Art Loosed), Joi (Jade), and singer Shanice. Just to name a few of the 15 panelist who all came together on my little old call, united in an effort to give the 40 youth there, real insight on healthy life skills and practical biblical principals that they can actively apply when they enter into the entertainment or sports industry.  Our goal, for Headliner’s, is to save them before they make it, so we can change the bad Headlines that befall so many entertainers today, to ones our children can emulate proudly tomorrow.

Saving the best for last, the drum roll is speaking of children that I revealed I used to dream I’d have a husband who loved me, and a family one day.  My wildest dreams could not have prepared me for the gift in my son Stephen Jr. born in 2004.  He is my miracle come true for sure.

Finally, I don’t want you to walk away from this article believing that all you have to do is confess Christ and you will never have another problem again.  Or that I’m in anyway saying that real life is like a plastic Barbie. Oh contrary!

With all my good news, let me keep it the most real with you, I still have struggles such as pesky bills, and people who disappoint me, but the victory for me and you is that with Christ, you or I will never, ever, ever have to face another struggle by ourselves.  His death and resurrection from the grave, gives us supernatural power to overcome every challenge, and peace as we’re going through every storm.  So time out for depression that is inactive!  Now what I do is take up my bible and take up my fights in prayer.

And I’m so praying by exposing my business to you today about a Barbie gone bad that shouldn’t even be here today, that you can avoid the bad choices I made. Be encouraged those of you who are feeling so low that you feel like the bottom is on top that, that the darkness does get better, and while Barbie is good to help you remember what you said you wanted to be in life, you need a real live God, not made of plastic to anchor you in the rough spots of a real life.  Thus my sisters your Barbie does not need a Ken but the living Christ.  Find him today and let him change your life!